Animorphs Anonymous
by DinosaurNothlit
Summary: A silly spoof about a mentally unbalanced Animorphs therapy group.  Rated T for minor swearing.  For maximum enjoyment, please view in a sleep deprived state.  'Cause that's the state it was written in.  As always, please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

Warning: Contains minor swearing, major silliness, and a very brief guest appearance by Harry Potter. If any of these three things upset you, please stop reading.

I don't own the Animorphs or Harry. They belong to K.A. Applegate and J.K. Rowling, respectively. Norman is the only thing here that belongs to me. Which is just sad, really, because he's a total loser.

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Animorphs Anonymous consisted of a circle of chairs in the middle of a small, classroom-like space. People filtered into the room one at a time, and once most of the chairs were filled, the man at the front of the circle, a good-looking man with short black hair, stood up and introduced himself.

"Hello, everyone," he said in a loud, confident voice that was a little too friendly. He waited a moment for everyone else to say 'hello' back, but only a few people did. "My name is Norman, and I am a perfectly normal human being. Now, let's go around the circle, and let's all get to know each other."

Next to Norman was a teenage boy with medium-length brown hair. He stood up. "My name is Jake. I'm the leader of a guerilla band of kids who turn into animals."

Norman clapped. The rest of the people in the circle hesitantly followed suit as Jake sat back down.

Next to Jake was an african-american girl with short black hair. "My name is Cassie. Uh, I can turn into a wolf, and, well, I have lots of moral qualms about fighting Yeerks."

More applause, a bit more confident this time.

Next to her was a short, hispanic boy with black hair. "My name is Marco. I can turn into a gorilla, and I tell jokes to help me cope with the pain of my life."

More applause.

Next to him was a girl with long blond hair. "My name is Rachel. I'm a crazy daredevil who can turn into a grizzly bear! Yeah!"

Louder applause.

Next to her was a boy with messy, dirty blond hair. "My name is Tobias. I'm a red-tailed hawk."

Enthusiastic applause.

Next to Tobias was a boy who looked like a weird combination of the first four people who had introduced themselves. "My name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. I am an Andalite."

One person, a guy with spiked green hair who looked like he was maybe a few cheerios short of a full box, applauded, completely oblivious to the fact that nobody else was. The rest of the group gasped in horror.

"Now, let's be supportive," Norman said admonishingly to the group. "You did very good . . . uh, Ax. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem."

Next to Ax was a kid with round glasses, black hair, and a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. "My name is Harry Potter. I'm the Boy who Lived."

Norman cleared his throat over the few people who had begun to clap. "I'm sorry, you have the wrong room. You want the room three doors down the hall, on your left."

Harry Potter got up, and left the room.

Next to where Harry Potter had been sitting was a man who looked like an older version of Ax. "My name is Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul. And, uh . . . I'm supposed to be dead."

Applause.

A teenage boy with blond hair stood up. "My name is David. I'm a rat."

"Now, let's not be hard on ourselves," Norman said kindly. "All of us here may have . . . well, fairly serious problems, but we're all still human beings."

"I'm not," David said sadly, hanging his head in shame. When he looked up again, he was glaring at Rachel, fuming with barely-contained hatred.

Ax, Elfangor, and a few others around the circle made offended noises at the phrase 'human beings.' A tall, important-looking man with a cold expression gave Norman the finger.

"Moving on," Norman said nonchalantly.

The guy next to David had medium-length, brown hair, and looked a little like a shorter version of Jake. He stood up. "My name is Erek. I'm an android."

Applause.

Next was the guy with spiky green hair and the dull look in his eyes. "My name Jara Hamee!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Me Hork-bajir!"

Marco muttered something derogatory under the sound of clapping. Norman gave him a sharp glance, but quickly went back to smiling warmly at the next person in the circle.

Next to Jara was an old guy with long, white hair. "My name is Ellimist. I can bend space and time to my will, but I of course never interfere-"

"Bullshit!"

"-with the lives of sentient beings," he finished, unperturbed.

Applause.

Next to Ellimist was a muscular man, maybe in his mid-twenties. "My name is Ronnie. I'm the bastard that stole Cassie from Jake."

Applause. Jake glared, pointed at his own eyes then at Ronnie in the classic 'I'm watching you' gesture. Followed by a slitting-the-throat motion.

The girl next to Ronnie, a young girl with long, curly red hair and freckles, had been staring at Ax this whole time. "My name is Estrid-Corril-Darrath," she said in a distracted voice. "In book thirty-eight, I risked wiping out the human race to take out the Yeerks."

Very hesitant applause.

Next to Estrid was the important-looking guy who had given Norman the finger. "My name is Esplin-nine-four-six-six. And I'm Visser Three. No, wait, that's not right. I'm Visser _One_."

The lady next to him glared sharply at him. She had long, dark hair, and looked hispanic. "No, _I'm_ Visser One!"

"_I'm_ Visser One!"

"_I'm_ Visser One!"

"Stop it, both of you!" Norman yelled. He turned to the second Visser One and sweetly said, "Please continue."

"Well, my name is Edriss-Five-Six-Two," she said. Then she glared pointedly at Esplin. "And _I'm_ Visser One."

"No, I'm Visser One!"

Norman held up a hand to silence them. "Moving on," he said again. There was only one person left who hadn't been introduced.

At the end of the circle, sitting between Edriss and Norman, was a blond girl. "My name is Taylor," she announced proudly. "And I'm a psychotic crazy power-hungry bitch who gets her kicks from torturing people." She grinned at Tobias, who cringed in fear.

Everyone applauded.

----------------------

Stay tuned for the next chapter. _The therapy continues_ . . .


	2. Chapter 2

Yay, more sleep-deprived fun times! And I'd just like to say that none of this is intended to be offensive in any way to any actual alcoholics out there. Or to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's just the utterly random musings of my sleep-addled mind. Okay? Okay.

-----------------------------

Norman stood up. "Now that we all know each other, we are going to do a series of exercises to help us through our problems. The first step is to get to the core of the issue at hand. Once you realize the fundamental problem, you can strive towards a solution.

"Everyone repeat after me: I am not real. I am a fictional character."

Nobody spoke for a couple seconds. Ellimist nodded, smiling knowingly, and said, "Of course I am not real. This body is merely a projection of the sixth dimension, created through the fabric of space-time, to simulate physical matter."

Jara Hamee, meanwhile, was staring very hard at Norman. He finally said, "Norman not real?"

"I said, repeat after me, not question what I said!" Norman suddenly shouted. "It isn't that hard, people! Repeat after me: I am not real, I am a fictional character!"

There was a general, grumbled repetition of the phrase.

Suddenly, Elfangor disappeared with an abrupt 'pop!'

"Elfangor!" Ax shrieked. "What has happened? Hap. Pend. Pend-uh. Where is my brother?!"

"He has accepted the truth," said Norman softly. "He has come to realize that he does not exist, and has consequently managed to conquer his addiction to reality."

"What?!" Marco shouted. "You mean that the point of this session is to wipe us all out of existance?! No thank you!" He got up to leave.

"No, wait!" Norman yelled after him. "You have to break the habit if you want to live a happy and fullfilled life!"

"Come on, Marco," Cassie urged. "It's hard to kick the reality habit at first, but, in the long run, you'll be happier."

Erek cocked an eyebrow at her.

"I went fictional for a while," she explained. "But I had a relapse."

Suddenly, Esplin jumped out of his seat. "Try to wipe me out of existance, will you!" he yelled at Norman. "I'll show you 'fictional'!" He leaped across Edriss and Taylor, tackling Norman and knocking over his chair.

"Get off of me, you delusional wacko!" Norman screamed, trying to fend off the punches Esplin was aiming at his face. Cassie leapt into the fray, trying to pull Esplin off of Norman. "He's only trying to help!" Cassie yelled to Esplin.

Taylor decided that she didn't want to miss out on a fight, and started helping Esplin by trying to strangle Norman.

Edriss decided to try to strangle Esplin while Esplin was distracted with strangling Norman.

Ellimist snapped his fingers authoritatively. Nothing happened. He looked confused, as if snapping his fingers was supposed to have done something. Rachel looked at him like he was an idiot.

Ronnie moved in to help Cassie hold onto Esplin. Ronnie purposefully leaned against Cassie as he pulled on the enraged man's arm, somehow managing to be romantic even in the middle of a brawl.

Rachel picked up one of the metal folding chairs, brandishing it over her head like a weapon, and crept towards Taylor.

Jake followed Rachel's example, picking up a chair and creeping towards Ronnie.

David squeaked and made a beeline for a tiny mousehole in the wall. After reaching the wall, he turned around and watched the battle, and when it looked like the Yeerk side was gaining the upper hand, he came running back.

Pretty soon, everyone in the room was joined in the fray, except Erek, who was standing as far from the fighting as he could get, looking a little ill.

It was utter chaos.

"Let go of me or I will remove your head!"

WHAM!

"Go Rachel! Show her who's boss!"

WHAM! WHAM!

WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!

"Jake, cool it, man! You're gonna kill him!"

"Foolish mortals! You dare to challenge the might of the Ellimist?!"

"Behind you!"

"What?"

WHAM!

"Gotcha!"

WHAM! WHAM! CLANG!

"What the hell was that?! Skulls should not go clang!"

"Filthy inferior humans! Aaaaargh!"

"Aximili, my love! I will save you!"

WHAM!

"What do you think you're doing?! That's my boyfriend! He's on our side!"

"Like hell he is!"

"David, get back here, I'm not done with you!"

"It's the Andalite bandits! They're here!"

WHAMWHAMWHAM!

"Jake, I think he's had enough, dude!"

"Rachel! Morph! You are too badly injured!"

"I can't morph! Visser Three-I-mean-One is right there watching!"

"His back is turned! Morph, quick!"

"Yeerks bad! Jara kill!"

"Yaaah!"

"Everybody was kung-fu fight-inng!"

"Shut up, Marco!"

"Take that, Yeerk scum!"

"Andalite scum!"

"Filthy slug!"

"Grass eater!"

"Brain sucker!"

"Blue fuzzball!"

"Slime wad!"

"Tails-for-brains!"

"Oatmeal eater!"

WHAM!

"Take that back!"

"Bark-for-brains!"

"Hey! What Jara ever do to you?"

WHAM!

"Jake, I mean it, lay off him!"

"Eat tail, Yeerk!"

"You will pay for this!"

"YAAAAHH- Oh, hey mom."

"I am Visser One, you fool!"

"No, I'm Visser One!"

"No, _I'm_ Visser One!"

"Not this again!"

"Ow ow ow ow! Leggo my arm!"

"No."

"Hey, where'd you find the-"

"Aaaaaaaaaugh!"

"I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding!"

"One could hardly focus on plintconarhythmic equations in all this noise!"

"Are you _trying_ to?!"

"Look out! Behind you!"

"Oh no, I'm not falling for that one again!"

WHAM!

"Too bad."

"Let's just take deep breaths . . . "

WHAM!

"Aaaugh! I'm sensing some latent hostility from you."

"Latent my-"

"Happy place, happy place!"

"Ja-ake! Rachel's threatening my family again!"

"I am not!"

"You were _thinking_ it!"

"Think _this_!"

WHAM!

Pop!

"What the-"

"I have returned Prince Elfangor to his rightful place."

"Damn you, Ellimist, I had a son!"

"I'm right here, Elfangor!"

"Tobias, behind you!"

"Yaaaah!"

"Ow! That hurt!"

WHAM!

Finally, the fighters fell apart, exhausted and covered in bruises, and sat back down to nurse their wounds. Taylor and Ronnie were lying unconscious on the floor, a trickle of blood leaking from Ronnie's head.

"I, uh, have to go to the restroom," Jake said suddenly. He gave a meaningful look to the five people sitting to his left.

Rachel, Marco, Cassie, Tobias, and Ax all mumbled agreement. "Yeah, uh, we all have to go, too," Rachel said, speaking for all of them.

The group of six got up and left the room, Rachel limping on a twisted ankle. "Bathrooms are just past the elevators!" Norman called after them as they left.

"Now, where were we?"


	3. Chapter 3

Heh, I actually wrote this a long time ago, but I apparently forgot to post it. Whoops.

Warning: This chapter contains a book-54 spoiler. It's one that most people (even if they haven't read 54) know about by now, but I figured I'd warn you, just in case you're one of the lucky ones who doesn't.

And, as usual, sit back, relax, and enjoy the sleep-deprived, sugar-induced fun!

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Jake, Rachel, Marco, Cassie, Tobias and Ax limped out of the Animorphs Anonymous room, and down the long hallway to the restrooms. They all walked into a conveniently located non-gender-specific bathroom, glancing around suspiciously as though worried they might have been followed. Then they each went into a stall, and simply stood there for a few minutes.

Finally, Rachel broke the silence. "Let's do it!"

"Wait just a minute. We can't just go storming in there like the marines. If we raid this meeting right after the six of us all got up and went to the bathroom, don't you think the Yeerks will put two and two together? They'll figure out we're human!"

"Jake, haven't you read book 49? The Yeerks already know we're human."

". . . Uh, they have us outnumbered?"

"Nope. Visser Three's the only one in there we would need to worry about in our battle morphs. Try again."

"Okay, fine. I just want to get through this meeting without incident, because I hate life and don't want to exist anymore."

"Oh, cut the emo crap. That's Tobias's schtick."

"Jake, stop being a moron, and let's go kill Yeerks!"

"Listen, I think Jake is making the right choice here. For a fictional character to have an addiction to reality can be a very dangerous thing in the long run, and I think we should all-"

"I WANT TO KILL YEERKS!"

"Geez, not so loud! They'll hear us!"

"I'm using thought-speak, you moron."

"Oh. Right. I knew that."

"Okay, let's take a vote."

"I WANT TO KILL YEERKS!"

"You guys, I think we should give peace a chance!"

"I follow Prince Jake."

"At the very least, I think we owe it to the world to put Norman out of his misery."

"I think I actually agree with what Jake said. Get through the meeting. Cease to exist. Sounds pretty good to me."

"Tobias! How can you say that? What about _us_?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel, but . . . you're dead, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"Wait, what? When did that happen? Wait a second . . . TOBIAS! Was that in the last book!? You know I haven't read it yet! You have to warn people when you're going to say a spoiler!"

"Whoops. Sorry."

"Okay, so we have two votes yes, and four votes no. So it's decided. We'll just demorph, go back in, and try to act like sane people long enough to get through this."

"Hah! Good luck, Rachel."

There was a CLANG, CLANG of slamming stall doors, followed by a loud thud.

"Ow! See, case in point."

After a few minutes, everyone emerged from the stalls. They still had all the same injuries from before, but Marco now sported a bloody nose. Rachel had matching blood on her knuckles.

They went back to the Animorphs Anonymous meeting room to find everyone in the room equipped with a pencil and paper. Most were writing, but Esplin was simply glaring at Norman with his arms crossed, and Jara was inspecting the pencil, apparently not quite sure what to do with it.

"Uh, what's going on?" Jake asked.

"We are writing fanfiction, in order to help everyone come to terms with being a fictional character. Here's paper and pencil. Start writing," Norman replied.

Marco's eyes widened. He shot a terrified glance at Ax, but quickly looked back at Norman again. "No no no no, not . . . fanfiction! Please, anything else!"

"You have to hurt if you want to heal," Cassie said wisely.

"Shut up! This isn't about the whole 'fictional character' thing! I just have . . . issues, with fanfiction, alright?!" Marco shot another glance at Ax, who was now looking utterly confused and bewildered.

"Just. Write," Norman said, sounding irritated.

Jake, Cassie, Marco, Rachel, Tobias and Ax all took pencil and paper and began to write. Marco looked up every now and then to glare around the room, as if hoping to catch someone in the act of writing something he didn't like.

Suddenly, the silence was interrupted by a loud crunch. "Aaah! Strange yellow stick not taste good!" Jara exclaimed.

Ax suddenly stopped writing and looked at his pencil. After a moment of inspection, he licked it. "Mmmm."

"We're about to need another new pencil over here."

CRUNCH.

"Ah, such delicate woody flavor, with wonderful undertones-zuh of paint!"

"Oh, he likes it. Better make that five. Wait, how do you know what paint tastes like?"

"I believe the answer to that question is fairly obvious."

"Get back to writing, both of you. And everyone, stop eating the pencils!"

After a while of writing, Marco visibly relaxed. Smiling contentedly now, he wrote steadily, hunched over his paper. He giggled to himself every now and then, as if amused by what he was writing.

"See, Marco? Fanfiction isn't so bad," Cassie whispered.

"Mmmm-hmmm. It sure isn't," Marco replied gleefully, licking his lips. "Not so bad at all."

Rachel looked up as she overheard Marco and Cassie's conversation, and narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Marco. She tried to lean over to see what he was writing, but he managed to block her view.

Finally, by the time Ax had gone through about five boxes of pencils, most of the people in the circle were finished writing. Ellimist was still working on his story, which was long enough at that point to have been a novel, but everyone else was long-since done.

"Now we will be reading these out loud to the group," Norman said, finally giving up on waiting for Ellmist to finish.

Marco instantly went pale. "What?!" he screeched. "You never said we had to read them out loud!" Panicking, he started erasing practically everything he had written.

"Marco, you seem excited. Why don't you go first?" Norman asked as Marco stopped erasing and began to write furiously.

"No no no no, um, Jake should go first! He's the leader!"

"Now Marco, let's not be shy. I'm sure what you've written is fine."

"No, it's not fine! Animorphs is rated, like, PG, for crying out loud!"

By this point, several people in the circle were leaning forward in their seats.

"Reeead it, reeead it, reeead it," Taylor began chanting, smiling and giggling to herself as Marco squirmed.

"Shut up! I can't read this! My mom is sitting right there!"

Soon, others had joined in the chant. "Reeead it, reeead it, reeead it, reeead it, reeead it." Before long, the whole circle was chanting. "Reeead it, reeead it, reeead it!"

"Enough!" Norman shouted over the chorus. When the room quieted, he continued. "Everyone is curious to hear your story, Marco. It would be mean of you to keep it to yourself."

Marco sighed, knowing he was defeated. Nervously, reluctantly, he held up his paper in front of his face, and cleared his throat.

_To be continued . . . _


	4. Chapter 4

Haha, wow, it's been a long time since I've updated this. Contrary to popular belief, I do actually intend to conclude this story one day.

P.S. The line "Visser Three demands hugs! Because he is a widdle fuzzykins!" does not belong to me. I saw it on a caption of a frame from the Animorphs TV show (showing V3 with his arms reaching forward, as if about to hug someone), although now I can't remember where I saw it. It's driving me crazy, too, so if anyone else can find that picture, I'd like to know the link to it.

--------------------------------

". . . and that is the reason why the platypus exists," Ellimist finished.

Almost everyone else in the room was snoring softly, having fallen asleep during Ellimist's lengthy fan-fiction."Congratulations, everyone, that was fantastic!" Norman congratulated, the sound of his applause waking the characters from their sleep. "Brilliant stories, everyone! Jara, I would have had no idea you were such a talented writer!"

Jara beamed. "Just tell story. Not big deal. Story of Lerdethak and Visser Three. Really happen, you know."

Tobias rolled his eyes. "Sure it did, Jara."

Jake held up a finger, like he had suddenly remembered something, but then forgot what it was.

"I could have _sworn_ Visser Three morphed a Lerdethak once . . . "

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. That never happened."

"But I know I remember-"

"No, Jake, that didn't happen. Remember? You died and ret-conned yourself."

"Oh yeah."

Marco woke up with a start, halting in mid-snore. "Wait, did I read my story?" he asked questioningly. "And why does it feel like several years have passed since I did?"

"Yes, everyone read their stories," Norman said gently. "They were brilliant. I especially loved the part in your story, Marco, where Rachel and Melissa-"

"Wait wait wait WAIT," Rachel began impatiently. "Nobody actually read anything! Whatever lazy idiot is writing _this_ story just decided to skip that part! And it's been forever since she updated, too! Man, you can't do that! Her reviewers are going to be pissed."

"It's _called_ a segue," a short-haired blonde who had just entered the room snorted. "Geez, nobody wants to have to actually _write_ every part of every story they tell!"

Marco snorted disdainfully and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. After all that suspense and lead-up to my fan-fic, you just suddenly _decide_ to skip all of our fan-fics altogether. You just have _no idea what I wrote_, and you're a stupid lazy fat bum!"

The author (who was, by the way, _not_ fat) scoffed back, "We wouldn't even be having this problem if you had just _told_ me what your story was about!"

"You were supposed to think of it yourself, you moron! I'm a freaking fictional character, I can't-"

Pop! Marco disappeared.

Norman nodded in satisfaction. "And another reality-addict is empowered to admit their addiction."

The author smiled smugly. "Anybody else feel like arguing with me?"

Nobody did.

"Okay, good. Anyway, I was just dropping by to see how everything was going. Seems like everyone's doing great, so I'll be on my way."

The author left through a previously unseen door in the fourth wall of the room.

A pall of silence fell over the remaining characters. With Marco gone, everything was suddenly a lot quieter.

"Okay, next step," Norman said. "Moving on. Today, we will be looking at other . . . genres . . . of your particular stories." He cleared his throat, apparently hesitant to say what he knew he had to say next.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jake asked, obviously worried.

"Today . . . we will watch the Animorphs TV show."

The reaction was instantaneous.

"NOOOOO!"

"Oh please, oh please, anything but that!"

"NOOO! That . . . that is my _one weakness_!"

"Can't we go back to the fanfiction?"

"Question. Can I be allowed to close my eyes? And wear earplugs? And leave the room?"

WHAM!

"Ow! That battle ended two chapters ago, moron!"

"I know, I just felt like hitting something!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean, the TV show has that effect on people."

"Oh god I admit it I'm a fictional character just get me out of here!"

Pop!

"Me too! ME TOO!"

Pop!

"What's everyone's problem? I like the show."

Dead silence.

"What? What did I say?"

More dead silence.

"Jara like show, too!"

"I mean, it wasn't the best show ever, and yeah, the special effects sucked, but-"

"Wait a second . . . Visser One, is that you talking?"

"No, _I'm_ Visser One!"

"Are you _serious_? Visser One likes the show?!"

"Makes sense. I mean, she's barely in it, right? And she hates Visser Three. So, of _course_ she likes the show."

"Visser Three demands hugs! Because he is a widdle fuzzykins!"

"Snrk!"

"What. The. Hell."

"INSOLENCE!"

Even though nobody had even noticed that he had left, Norman now came back through the door, wheeling a television set. With everyone in the room either hiding their eyes, cringing, looking ill, choking on their own spit from trying so hard not to laugh, or simply watching passively, Norman slowly and dramatically pressed 'play.'


End file.
